A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones that need the advice.
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Advertising is the most fun you can have with your clothes on.
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Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry.
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Anyone can dabble, but once you've made that commitment, your blood has that particular thing in it, and it's very hard for people to stop you.
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As I have discovered by examining my past, I started out as a child. Coincidentally, so did my brother. My mother did not put all her eggs in one basket, so to speak: she gave me a younger brother named Russell, who taught me what was meant by "survival of the fittest."
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Children today know more about sex than I or my father did.
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Civilization had too many rules for me, so I did my best to rewrite them.
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Even though your kids will consistently do the exact opposite of what you're telling them to do, you have to keep loving them just as much.
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Fatherhood is pretending the present you love most is soap-on-a-rope.
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Gray hair is God's graffiti.
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Human beings are the only creatures on earth that allow their children to come back home.
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I am certainly not an authority on love because there are no authorities on love, just those who've had luck with it and those who haven't.
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I don't know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everybody.
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If the new American father feels bewildered and even defeated, let him take comfort from the fact that whatever he does in any fathering situation has a fifty percent chance of being right.
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In order to succeed, your desire for success should be greater than your fear of failure.
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Let us now set forth one of the fundamental truths about marriage: the wife is in charge.
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Like everyone else who makes the mistake of getting older, I begin each day with coffee and obituaries.
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Men and women belong to different species and communications between them is still in its infancy.
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My childhood should have taught me lessons for my own fatherhood, but it didn't because parenting can only be learned by people who have no children.
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My eleven year old daughter mopes around the house all day waiting for her breasts to grow.
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No matter how calmly you try to referee, parenting will eventually produce bizarre behavior, and I'm not talking about the kids. Their behavior is always normal.
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Nothing separates the generations more than music. By the time a child is eight or nine, he has developed a passion for his own music that is even stronger than his passions for procrastination and weird clothes.
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Parents are not interested in justice, they're interested in peace and quiet.
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People will frighten you about a graduation...They use words you don't hear often... "And we wish you Godspeed." It is a warning, Godpeed. It means you are no longer welcome here at these prices.
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Poets have said that the reason to have children is to give yourself immortality. Immortality? Now that I have five children, my only hope is that they are all out of the house before I die.
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That married couples can live together day after day is a miracle the Vatican has overlooked.
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The essence of childhood, of course, is play, which my friends and I did endlessly on streets that we reluctantly shared with traffic.
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The heart of marriage is memories; and if the two of you happen to have the same ones and can savor your reruns, then your marriage is a gift from the gods.
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The main goal of the future is to stop violence. The world is addicted to it.
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The past is a ghost, the future a dream, and all we ever have is now.
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The truth is that parents are not really interrested in justice. They just want quiet.
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There is hope for the future because God has a sense of humor and we are funny to God.
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There is no labor a person does that is undignified; if they do it right.
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When you become senile, you won't know it.
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You can turn painful situations around through laughter. If you can find humor in anything, even poverty, you can survive it.
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