Acting is all about honesty. If you can fake that, you've got it made.
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At my age flowers scare me.
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Be quick to learn and wise to know.
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Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed.
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First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.
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Happiness? A good cigar, a good meal, a good cigar and a good woman - or a bad woman; it depends on how much happiness you can handle.
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Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.
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How beautifully leaves grow old. How full of light and color are their last days.
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How can I die? I'm booked.
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I don't believe in dying. It's been done. I'm working on a new exit. Besides, I can't die now - I'm booked.
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I honestly think it is better to be a failure at something you love than to be a success at something you hate.
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I smoke ten to fifteen cigars a day. At my age I have to hold on to something.
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I spent a year in that town, one Sunday.
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I'd rather be a failure at something I love than a success at something I hate.
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I'm at the age now where just putting my cigar in its holder is a thrill.
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I'm very pleased to be here. Let's face it, at my age I'm very pleased to be anywhere.
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If it's a good script I'll do it. And if it's a bad script, and they pay me enough, I'll do it.
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If you ask what is the single most important key to longevity, I would have to say it is avoiding worry, stress and tension. And if you didn't ask me, I'd still have to say it.
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If you live to be one hundred, you've got it made. Very few people die past that age.
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It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth.
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It's good to be here. At 98, it's good to be anywhere.
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It's hard for me to get used to these changing times. I can remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty.
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Look to the future, because that is where you'll spend the rest of your life.
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Nice to be here? At my age it's nice to be anywhere.
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People ask me what I'd most appreciate getting for my eighty-seventh birthday. I tell them, a paternity suit.
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Retirement at sixty-five is ridiculous. When I was sixty-five I still had pimples.
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The most important thing in acting is honesty. If you can fake that, you've got it made.
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The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, then having the two as close together as possible.
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This is the sixth book I've written, which isn't bad for a guy who's only read two.
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Too bad all the people who know how to run this country are busy running taxicabs or cutting hair.
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Too bad that all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxicabs and cutting hair.
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When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick.
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You can't help getting older, but you don't have to get old.
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You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you're down there.
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You've got to be honest; if you can fake that, you've got it made.
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