A man is not old until regrets take the place of dreams.
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America is the country where you can buy a lifetime supply of aspirin For one dollar and use it up in two weeks.
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Die? I should say not, dear fellow. No Barrymore would allow such a conventional thing to happen to him.
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Happiness often sneaks in through a door you didn't know you left open.
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I am thinking of taking a fifth wife. Why not? Solomon had a thousand wives and he is a synonym for wisdom.
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I would like to find a stew that will give me heartburn immediately, instead of at three o clock in the morning.
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I've read some of your modern free verse and wonder who set it free.
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If it isn't the sheriff, it's the finance company; I've got more attachments on me than a vacuum cleaner.
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In Genesis, it says that it is not good for a man to be alone; but sometimes it is a great relief.
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Love is the delightful interval between meeting a beautiful girl and discovering that she looks like a haddock.
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My wife is the kind of girl who will not go anywhere without her mother, and her mother will go anywhere.
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Sex: the thing that takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount of trouble.
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The good die young, because they see it's no use living if you have got to be good.
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The trouble with life is that there are so many beautiful women and so little time.
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Why is there so much month left at the end of the money?
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You never realize how short a month is until you pay alimony.
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