A committee is a group that keeps the minutes and loses hours.
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A man is hit by a car while crossing a Beverly Hills street. A woman rushes to him and cradles his head in her lap, asking, "Are you comfortable?" The man answers, "I make a nice living."
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A young man fills out an application for a job and does well until he gets to the last question, "Who Should we notify in case of an accident?" He mulls it over and then writes, "Anybody in sight!".
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Experience is what you have after you've forgotten her name.
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I feel like Zsa Zsa Gabor's sixth husband. I know what I'm supposed to do, but I don't know how to make it interesting.
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I'd rather be a could-be if I cannot be an are; because a could-be is a maybe who is reaching for a star. I'd rather be a has-been than a might-have-been, by far; for a might have-been has never been, but a has was once an are.
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If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?
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If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door.
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Laughter is an instant vacation.
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Poverty is not a disgrace, but it's terribly inconvenient.
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The company accountant is shy and retiring. He's shy a quarter of a million dollars. That's why he's retiring.
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You can lead a man to Congress, but you can't make him think.
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