Mitch Hedberg Quotes

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

I used to do drugs. I still do drugs. But I used to, too.

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.

There are six ducks out here, and they all want Sun Chips!