Phyllis Diller Quotes

A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.

Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.

Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.

Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.

Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?

I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them.

I've been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about short and cheap?

If it weren't for baseball, many kids wouldn't know what a millionaire looked like.

Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.

The reason the pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing.

We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.

Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age - as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.