A girl phoned me the other day and said... Come on over, there's nobody home. I went over. Nobody was home.
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Acting deals with very delicate emotions. It is not putting up a mask. Each time an actor acts he does not hide; he exposes himself.
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At twenty a man is full of fight and hope. He wants to reform the world. When he is seventy he still wants to reform the world, but he know he can't.
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I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.
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I found there was only one way to look thin, hang out with fat people.
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I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.
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I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.
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I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.
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I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.
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I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.
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I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.
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I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I've just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.
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If it wasn't for pick-pockets I'd have no sex life at all.
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Life is just a bowl of pits.
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Men who do things without being told draw the most wages.
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Most of the arguments to which I am party fall somewhat short of being impressive, knowing to the fact that neither I nor my opponent knows what we are talking about
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My mother never breast-fed me. She told me she liked me as a friend.
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My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.
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My wife and I were happy for twenty. Then we met!
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My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it.
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My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.
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They change the sheets every day... from one bed to another.
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We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations - we're doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.
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When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.
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