Experts say you should never hit your children in anger. When is a good time? When you're feeling festive?
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I figure that if the children are alive when I get home, I've done my job.
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I hate every human being on earth. I feel that everyone is beneath me, and I feel they should all worship me. That's what I told my kids. I think I must have been Adolf Hitler in a past life.
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In Tulsa, restaurants have signs that say, "Sorry, we're open."
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My daughter made me a Jerry Springer-watching kit, with crackers, Cheez Whiz, polyester stretch pants and a T-shirt with two fat women fighting over a skinny guy.
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My hope is that gays will be running the world, because then there would be no war. Just a greater emphasis on military apparel.
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My husband and I didn't sign a pre-nuptial agreement. We signed a mutual suicide pact.
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The quickest way to a man's heart is through his chest.
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The thing women have yet to learn is nobody gives you power. You just take it.
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There's a lot more to being a woman than being a mother, but there's a hell of a lot more to being a mother than most people suspect.
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Women complain about PMS, but I think of it as the only time of the month when I can be myself.
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Women should try to increase their size rather than decrease it, because I believe the bigger we are, the more space we'll take up, and the more we'll have to be reckoned with.
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