A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree.
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All I ask is the chance to prove that money can't make me happy.
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And God said, 'Let there be light' and there was light, but the Electricity Board said He would have to wait until Thursday to be connected.
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Are you going to come quietly, or do I have to use earplugs?
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Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, get it out with Optrex.
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Contraceptives should be used on every conceivable occasion.
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Hi vibrato sounded like he was driving a tractor over a ploughed field with weights tied to his scrotum.
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How long was I in the army? Five foot eleven.
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I can speak Esperanto like a native.
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I have the body of an eighteen year old. I keep it in the fridge.
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I shook hands with a friendly Arab. I still have my right arm to prove it.
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I spent many years laughing at Harry Secombe's singing until somebody told me that it wasn't a joke.
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I thought I'd begin by reading a poem by Shakespeare, but then I thought, why should I? He never reads any of mine.
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I'm a hero with coward's legs.
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In India a farmhand was caught in the act with his cow. He said he had bad eyesight and thought it was his wife.
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Is there anything worn under the kilt? No, it's all in perfect working order.
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It was a perfect marriage. She didn't want to and he couldn't.
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Money couldn't buy friends, but you get a better class of enemy.
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My Father had a profound influence on me, he was a lunatic.
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