A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.
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A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her.
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Abstaining is favorable both to the head and the pocket.
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Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite and furthermore always carry a small snake.
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Anyone who hates children and animals can't be all bad.
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Attitude is more important than the past, than education, than money, than circumstances, than what people do or say. It is more important than appearance, giftedness, or skill.
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Hell, I never vote for anybody, I always vote against.
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Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.
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I always keep a supply of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy.
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I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison.
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I am free of all prejudices. I hate every one equally.
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I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.
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I drink therefore I am.
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I hear the tusks are looser in Alabama.
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I like children - fried.
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I like to keep a bottle of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy.
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I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
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I never drink water. I'm afraid it will become habit-forming.
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I never drink water; that is the stuff that rusts pipes.
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I never met a kid I liked.
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I never vote for anyone. I always vote against.
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I once spent a year in Philadelphia, I think it was on a Sunday.
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I'm free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.
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If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There's no point in being a damn fool about it.
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If I had to live my life over, I'd live over a saloon.
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If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bull.
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It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.
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It was a woman who drove me to drink, and I never had the courtesy to thank her for it.
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It's morally wrong to allow a sucker to keep his money.
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Last week, I went to Philadelphia, but it was closed.
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My heart is a bargain today. Will you take it?
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Never give a sucker an even break.
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On the whole, I'd rather be in Philidelphia.
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Once, during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.
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Remember, a dead fish can float downstream, but it takes a live one to swim upstream.
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Roomservice, Roomservice, don't send up any more ice.
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Show me a great actor and I'll show you a lousy husband. Show me a great actress, and you've seen the devil.
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Some things are better than sex, and some are worse, but there's nothing exactly like it.
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Some weasel took the cork out of my lunch.
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Somebody left the cork out of my lunch.
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Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.
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Stop following me, are you following me? That'll get you twelve years at Leavenworth, or eleven years at twelveworth, or five and ten at Woolworth's.
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The cost of living has gone up another dollar a quart.
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The world is getting to be such a dangerous place, a man is lucky to get out of it alive.
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There comes a time in the affairs of man when he must take the bull by the tail and face the situation.
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W. C. Fields, a lifetime agnostic, was discovered reading a Bible on his deathbed. "I'm looking for a loop-hole," he explained.
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Women are like elephants. I like to look at 'em, but I wouldn't want to own one.
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You can't trust water: Even a straight stick turns crooked in it.
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