You really should inquire in a japanese language oriented forum, no shortage of egregious yet subtle pitfalls of politeness and whatnot awaiting any overly enthusiastic neophyte or veteran who thinks they know better. Unless this is formal education, in which case consulting your teacher or textbook would be faster & to the point.
The additional joshi at the end seems quaint to me; I understand one usage is as a question indicator, but you already have ka prior. Wouldn't it be more straightforward to open with 私は? Though mayhap you're attempting to diminish it. As far as my general impression went, it's not as severe as あなた, and you'd still likely get a pass for erring.