How do I forgive my husband for hitting me after 19 years of a loving and passionate marriage? We have our ups and downs but were always able to work it out in the end. We love each other very much. Two nights ago we went out with friends and drank way too much. In the car ride home we began to fight. I asked him to pull over so we could work it out. He did. We talked, yelled and I cried. Suddenly he just drove on. I begged him to stop and not go home where the kids were. He wouldn't stop and as we got closer to our home I felt panic. I hit his arm while he drove. I never meant to hurt him. I am a small woman and having just finished chemo for cancer I am weak. I know I shouldn't have hit him but I just lost it. I was hoping he would stay in the car when we got home but he went straight into the house. I followed, taking my shoes off so I wouldn't wake up the kids. I found him in out closet with his back to me. I threw my shoe at him and stepped closer and slapped his back. He turned around so fast and punched me in the head. I fell to the floor, shocked. He went to sleep in another room and I followed telling him to leave. He said no. I took his briefcase and went to the front door to put it outside. He followed me and grabbed it then punched me in the head again. I am devastated. He has never done anything like this at all before. He has never hit the kids or me. He left the house. The next morning he came home and said how ashamed and sorry he was. I kept saying he was sorry and that it will never happen again. This is tragic. We have a beautiful family and love each other a great deal even after 20 years. How do I begin to let go of the sadness and hurt? How do I begin to heal and forgive? I don't want to lose what we spent years building. I am so sad and hurt.
As bad as I want to feel for you, I can't. You hit him multiple times, prior to his hitting you. Not saying he should have hit you, because he should not have. Everyone has a limit. Apologize to him for your part, seek counseling for the incident and try to understand the underlying causes. Has the argument been boiling for some time, or was it a spur of the moment thing? Counseling for the incident is a must in my opinion because it seems there was something truly bothering the both of you. Sorry I can't give more.
Side note when you say "punched me in the head," it is a little vague. I have known many to have hit another and it was in a shove to create space etc. If it was a punch intended to beat the life out of you then it helps explain a little more. If it was the first one then I would say follow the advice above. However if it was the second, then I would suggest a more serious approach. I would suggest time apart and meeting for counseling sessions and see where that goes. Sorry for your situation and I hope it improves.
I disagree with the person above who commented. It doesn't matter what you did to him, don't make excuses for him. You are not a man for him to punch you like one. Even if you hit him out of anger, after 20 years of marriage you can expect a smack or 2 from the wife.. He is a man. I don't care what anyone' says. He has punched you and made you fearful, made you feel weak, made you sad and I AM sorry to hear that I truly feel for you. You have a choice right now. Leave him because it WILL happen again , it never only happens just once OR put your foot down RIGHT NOW and lay out the rules for the marriage as you see fit. Sit down think and write how it made you feel, then write down how you want things will be different. I've gone through an abusive relationship. He always cried, said he was sorry, had a look I've never seen before full of shame and regret and I always forgave him because I loved him with my whole heart, soon it became a regular thing and then he made me feel like it was my fault. I felt trapped, I felt sad all the time, I'd look at the marks and cry to myself. My problem was that I'm too optimistic and always see good in people and believe in them so much I would never give up. I had to let that part of me hurt for a while when I had to let him go. He wasn't a bad guy, he just did bad things. But I learned you can not make excuses for someone's wrong actions, you have to be strong.
I'm really sorry you have been undergoing this. I do not believe that you must consider the "way of punching" as was discussed in the first comment. Neither I would say that if he made it once he will do this again as mentioned by the previous commenter. Sometimes when you do something once you then feel so much despair and self-hateness that you will never repeat the action remembering this feelings.
Don't blame yourself, you both are guilty. But as you said, you have been managing to overcome problems for 20 years already. This is another problem to be solved. If you two want to be together, you'll just need to process this (the causes of the incident) into a good lesson for the future. Good luck!
From what I've read, YOU struck him first, and more than once. You may be petite and fragile, but that doesn't give you license to strike him for not complying with your wishes, and then crying foul because he hit you back. Gender aside, I don't agree with physical violence for any reason, but what outcome did you expect? Apparently, he "just lost it". Goose, meet Gander.
Ok i was in an abusive relationship i took it for 7 years i left taking my 1 year old son with me and putting him in jail,he knew where i was so no panic on his part i went back it started over i left again nearly 3 years later this time i didnt get him arrested i went into hiding mode so after a week and word from his family for me to call so he could talk to his son i did now we were 3 hours away from each other and could talk things out i learned if you love someone consider their needs he is a good man despite our past he just needed to vent sometimes and with that i learned not to argue or say anything during those times i learned if someone is angry give them space then come back after you both have time to cool off and talk things out it worked and it saved my family weve never been happier and got another child on the way...and another thing....you hit him first i dont care about the whole but your a woman and he shouldnt have mess....your a woman and shouldnt have its human nature to strike back granted he should have had more self control...i cant feel sympathy...if you dont want it done to you dont do it to him....if you cant stand the heat get out of the kitchen....now another thing you both were drinking quite a bit....alcohol will make monsters out of the best people...if you cant handle the alcohol without the drama dont drink....when i was going through what i went throuvh i was to blame as well i knew what to push his buttons and i pushed them... its 3 sides to evey story,his,hers and the truth he probably rememers this incident differently....this post may make some mad,but im real and im giving my.honest opinion my advice if you love him make it work if not let it go....bottom line hes never did it before and its been 19 years you started the arguement you hit him and provoked him,he hit you after you hit him several times and that didnt stop you....you kept on by putting his briefcase outside inside of giving him space
when does forgiveness comes? i know you know it comes when another offends his or her fellow. i perfectly disagree with the act and conduct of your husband even if you pushed him to the wall. To forgive him, consider it like you caused him to do it and that is when you may even find yourself asking him to forgive you and in return that may make him realise or come to his senses of what he has down. never argue or have any thing in you against him...to err is human and to forgive is divine. he is the most likely person to offend you because he is human therefore i urge you to be the most likely person to let go. At least your relationship is more valuable than the 'hit' he gave you so consider maintaining your relationship first.
I am not good with emotions, I'd say I'm terrible with them. So what I say will probably hurt you. But I'm very good with discipline, family life, and group behavior.
Let me be frank: you're wrong, and the more you try to make excuses, the more you go away from the only solution.
What's the only solution?
First, you must admit that you were wrong. Both of you but especially you. You started it and you probably didn't leave him any choice. In addition you immediately destroy what you've been building for 20 years. Don't you realize how wrong this is?
You have to do the only mature thing to do: put aside your anger and fear and talk to him face to face.
Do not make him feel guilty, do not apologize, do not ask him to apologize: what is done is done anyway. This isn't about blaming or finding a culprit.
Now talk about what happened and figure out why it happened. Say why you hit him even if you're not proud of it and ask him why he hit you. Remain calm, tell him this isn't about being judgmental.
Now that you both know why each other hit each other, discuss what should you do to make sure that this never happens ever again?
Do you need to stop drinking? Do you need to agree to disagree? Do you need to stop talking if you're too angry instead of escalating? Do you need to make rules like it's forbidden to yell, hit or insult?
It is up to you.
But you have to have this calm conversation.
It will not be easy, you will have to breathe deeply to remain calm eventhough you just want to start fighting again or run away, but it's quite simple: you just have to let go the anger, be ready to forgive the man who've been with you for 20 years, and figure out with calm words and discussion why it happened and what you both agree to do so that it never happens again.
Be mature, do not search someone to accuse. And if you have to accuse anyone, blame yourself, because it's easier to change the way you react than the way someone else reacts.
You shouldn't have hit him. If you had hit anybody else it could have ended very bad for you. You would have hit me trust me I would seriously have hurt you. I'm non violent and pacifist, but hit me and you lose all the protection and respect I had for you.
Try to find a better way to express anger. Me to express anger, I lecture people calmly, gently, but for hours. Trust me it's worse than a slap.
The matter is a complex one, however, for both the husband and the wife could be in the wrong and contributing to the problem.: “Technically, any force other than that reasonably necessary to . . . coerce or control her in the governance of the family, as, for example, to control her in the exercise of unruly temper and make her behave herself, is an assault.”
It might be said that even as ‘a happy marriage is the union of two good forgivers
After 19 years of marriage it is hard to understand why a husband is violent to his wife. You seems to have had 19 years of stability. It is worth trying to work things out. There must be something emotionally happening to your husband. Try sitting down and discuss the matter without accusing. If he hits you again then your love alone cannot make things better sometimes. If that does not work seek counselling or talk to a family member or friend someone who is not bias. Foremost prayer to Jehovah sincerely to help you cope with the situation or make the right decisions.
Here are some scriptures to think about Matt. 18:21, 22 and 1 Pet. 4:8
For more information on this subject, please go to www.jw.org for free downloads, publications or read online.
Are you kidding me ?!! your blaming her ? NO man has any legal right to strike a woman in the head! And as a retired police officer I can assure you, any judge would see this as well . A small petite woman slapping a man in the back is equivalent to nothing he can dish out . I am ashamed of all your answers on here . I dont care what the argument is about or who started it . He is a strong man who struck her in the head twice. If he was that upset he should have gone back to the car and drove around to sort things out or got a motel for the evening . Now he has also broken the trust completely in the relationship. His wife just finished chemo treatments . She is not superwoman attacking him. I honestly dont think counselling will resolve this issue . But I would seek legal counsel even if its arranged by a local Transition House . It will happen again, he got away with it . He now has crossed that line. Men change, hit midlife crisis, and sometimes you lose the one you loved. I would consider talking to the ladies in a local woman's centre and seek professional advice . They have support groups and perhaps from that you will make your decision. Please do not stay if you feel afraid, and can no longer express your emotions or have a civil argument for fear of it happening again. Yes some things were not done in your best judgement . But it still did not warrant spousal abuse . Best wishes on your choices. I understand how hard it is after so many years together .
Both of you need to stop drinking or reduce and control the amount of alcohol you consume. Our bodies arn't ment for excessive alcohol consumption, aggression, depression, anxiety are just a few side effects from alcohol. My husband and I stopped drinking because it was effecting our relationships with other people, we certainly would not risk our relationship by starting drinking again. However it is not completely to blame, hitting each other no matter your size is a no no, you can't expect your husband not to defend himself when he doesn't know whether you are going to continue to hit him yourself. But he should have removed himself from the situation or called the cops to come and deal with you, but then there is that alcohol factor, also sound like neither of you should have driven home but that's another issue.
I have been an a similar situation with my life partner and though we both hurt for a long while we worked together to heal each other and correct our behaviours in order to never have a recurrence of the sad event. We even went to relationships Australia for councelling which did wonders and I would recommend to everyone. Hubby and I have an unshakable bond and though we have had the odd argument it is never to the detriment to each other or our relationship. I would urge you to give it a go, especially as it sounds you have had such a strong relationship in the past.
Just a minute here, while both did wrong, this woman as you can see is very sorry and is taking action to help herself and her relationship with her husband. She has apologized to her abuser, yet he feels justified to go sulk in the corner instead of communicating with her. He feels justified in abusing her further by emotional abuse. He needs to grow up! Be a man instead of a whimpering 6 year old. Shame on you for using violent force on your wife!
The forgiving doesn't come from you because you started it and you struck him several times. You owe him some big time sorry. Using the poor poor pitiful chemo me story doesn't cut it for me lady.
Also drinking alcohol can interefere with chemotherapy drugs so unless you are nothing more than a troll with a fake story you are a lousy patient and should check in with your oncologist and psychologist.
Go to marriage counseling, anger management classes and AA.
No one, no matter size or gender, is "immune" to being the aggressor of a situation. If you become physical with someone, then continue to pursue them as they try to leave the situation, continue to be physical, then throw an object, any object, YOU ARE THE AGGRESSOR, PERIOD. The police officers in my area WILL arrest a female for being an aggressor. "But she is small". In my prime fighting days: 125 lbs, 12 3/4" biceps. Pull out your cloth tape measure, measure some male and female biceps, see what you find. I loved to fight, guys saw me as easy target, boy did they make a mistake. Remember, speed kills. I don't mind bleeding, or the sight of my own blood, other people can't always handle seeing themselves bleed. "But she just threw a shoe". This time. But just like everyone says, "(he/she) did it once, (he/she) will do it again". What if the next time it's not a shoe? Does this male deserve to be injured or die if she "gets drunk and mad at him" again? I'm not saying he made a good choice by striking her back. I'm not saying "she deserved what she got". I'm saying that once you engage someone, YOU are responsible for YOUR actions. Our society needs to WAKE UP, and hold people responsible for their actions. With the amount of information, totally accessible to basically every American, there should be no excuses that gives anyone a free pass. Make a decision(s), good or bad, you are subject to the consequences, good or bad. Pay your debt, go on with life, hopefully learning lessons along the way. This is how you become a better person.