... has gone down to nothing we have sex once a month (which is usually around the same time, weird I know) other then that I have to initiate aka half force and it feels like I'm asking him to do a chore like he doesn't enjoy it :/ I've talked to him and he either says its not his main focus in life right now or that his stress or that I whine to much about it , I understand that when life is stressful that he doesn't want to that's normal but right now our life is great! But nothing has changed :/ I don't know if the rest of my life is going to be this way and I'm not a cheater I don't I just don't want to be miserable. Is that selfish if me, anyone have any advice?
It sounds like you are trying to communicate with him but you aren't getting much communication in return. Something is obviously bothering him, whether it's physical, psychological, or something about the relationship or his own sexuality.
Unfortunately, it's not possible to force him to talk about it. He should understand that not being open with you is hurting your relationship, though. It's not the way to deal with it. He really should tell you what's going on, even if it's something you wouldn't necessarily want to hear.
I don't know if the rest of my life is going to be this way and I'm not a cheater I don't I just don't want to be miserable. Is that selfish if me, anyone have any advice?
It is never selfish to achieve happiness and wellbeing. Everybody has a right to this. Having a girlfriend/woman having to ask or initiate is such a gratifying compliment to a man. But i can understand how, tiresome and frustrating it can be, to be the only one making the effort in a relationship. Now, If this is long term, and you have committed yourself fully to him in this relationship, you might have to take the sweet with the sour. Many relationships go flat because there is no excitement, no buzz and that needs to be achieved again.
I would say try enticing him, if he wants to play that game of "its not the main focus in life". If you live together walk around to do your daily activities in agent provocateur, victoria secret, anything to see his reaction. If he asks you what you're doing, tease him making him want you. When he does want you, deny him touching you, only you can touch him, you should see him burst with desire to ravage you, then let him before the two of you exploded. Experiment what he likes, because sometimes vanilla is just very plain if you do the same moves too often.
If this doesn't get his blood racing, then there is something very weird and wrong. The main focus of life i would say if you have the other half is to explore and grow, as a couple, and have new experiences together, working as a couple, and some times compromising for one another. I know you said you had a word with him, but you need to stress that you are making all the effort, and he needs to meet you half way. If he does thats just cruel and you deserve to be happy as well.
Okay if you’ve tried mindful listening, it might be helpful to find the right setting (for example a quiet place that you both can be intimate) and have a talk. You tell him your feelings, and most importantly you listen closely to his reply and try to understand the situation. Normally other people just give an advice or just wait until the conversational partner is done talking and they can start, but in this situation i believe that the best way to find a solution to your problem is to express your needs and feelings in a comfortable surrounding and listen to what he replies. Repeat what he replied in your own words and then ask him if you understood what he tried to say. If finally he answers with a “yes”, tell him how this makes you feel. For example i could imagine that you feel rejected. That’s perfectly normal to have such a feeling and it’s okay to tell it and feel it.
Don’t doubt your feelings or your needs. There are no selfish needs, there is just a selfish way to deal with them, for example hiding them, is what i would consider as selfish or withdrawn. I think the most important task a partner has inside a relationship is to properly express his feelings and claim his needs without to be accusing. And of course to listen to it when a partner tries to express his feelings and needs and always be mindful to sort out and rephrase any possible accusation in a constructive way without defending himself or starting an argument.
I know this sounds complex, but if you’re mindful of your feelings you can trust your intuition and you won’t fail. Trust me … but more important trust yourself.