Have you ever looked into another woman's eyes and your heart began to race? Well that's what it was like for me.

First off I never intended to like girls. I wasn't raised that way but some things changed down the line.

I met this woman. She changed me just staring at me a few times. Like it's a stare you can't describe. You just feel your heart race and you sweat a little. So at first I didn't know how to approach her. But I finally did, through my sister. We began to talk a lot on the phone and I began to get closer and that made me catch the feelings for her that I still have right today. She's probably the first person I have ever taken seriously. I plan on telling her how I feel hoping she'll understand. I know there's not much she can do because she's married but she can at least learn from her mistakes of leading me on.

There will be those days where she will wink and touch me and smile or even interupt whoever she's talking to say hey to me. Then other days she'll walk right past me then when I show up at her house be all over me. I just don't get it. I hate myself more and more everyday because of the fact that I can't have her. I feel like she's did this to hurt me on purpose. She's a lot older than me and should know better but still. I can't even count how many times I have came home crying or upset because of the way she acts. She doesn't realize but I want to tell her so badly. She knows I have 'something' to talk to her about but I bet she doesn't have a clue what it is. Suicide has been on my mind quite a while lately but I never attempt it. I just take long hot showers and cry it and ask god why. I've thought about cutting myself but I really don't want to cause harm to my body.

What should I do? How do I tell her how I feel? I'm scared she'll tell other people when she's the bad person... If I could go back in time, I'd just ignore her staring as I do when other people stare at me.