... day, I have no appetite and barely eat (I am already underweight, so this is VERY bad), and I have suicidal thoughts frequently. I have even devised a plan to kill myself, but have not followed through yet. I used to be a very funny and social person, but now I am disgusted by myself and can barely talk to people. My personality has changed so drastically that I fear I can never return to who I was before. While I am getting ready for school I feel very sick to my stomach and can barely eat breakfast. This queasiness persists until I am home. I have next to no friends and am too nervous to do much with the ones I have. I have a hard time finding people around me that share my interests and when I do I'm always too scared to talk to them. At certain points throughout the day I have to focus all my mental power on not throwing up and I can't focus on the task at hand. I'm so scared that I'll continue getting worse and end up killing myself. I do not want to put my family through that pain but sometimes I'm just not thinking straight. I think that medication could help me, but my mother is convinced that medication for mental illnesses is horribly bad for you. On top of that, I'm not sure if we could afford any kind of treatment. I have even told her the full extent of things because I'm not sure how she'll react. I'm in a very scary place right now and I just want things to get better. I should also mention that I've been feeling this way for three years, it is not something that just started up recently. I'm feeling like I'm losing my grip on things but I'm trying my best to remain hopeful that one day I can return to the great person I once was
The first line of defense against depression and anxiety is B vitamins. Get nutritional yeast powder and/or B-100 pills. Vitamin B2 is a water soluble dye that turns urine bright yellow. When the color fades, it's time for another dose. Read some books about nutrition so you know how to eat right.
It's not forever. I promise. I used to gag at foods a lot. I had a very little appetite back then, but its gotten better. Try a new diet and see how that changes. Experiment with foods that you like. Ask someone to cook different things for you. Try getting some vitamins. Find a nutritionist to speak to.
As for your personality, I'm sure that you were a good person, and I'm pretty you sure you still are now. If you have friends to speak to, speak to them! If you really were a bad person to speak to, then they would've left already. But guess what? they didn't! You could always say good morning to people and proceed from there. Compliment people and smile :D Those are baby steps, and you can work yourself from there.
If you find people you'd like to speak with, then do it. If you did screw up, it's not the end of the world. Sometimes when something bad happens to me, I try to stop overthinking. I then realize that it's not even a big problem - and most of the time it isn't! Take that advice for the future c:
And for the throwing up feeling issue, please do take breaks sometimes. Don't overwork yourself. Just lie down, breathe, and take a good nap. After that, just relax. Make sure its a day where no one can disturb you. Just let your guard down and breathe. And if you do throw up, go ahead and do so.
Pain isn't forever. It's temporary. There is so much more to life! Whenever I am feeling down, I just think of the things to look forward to. Such as a game of League of Legends to enjoy. Or the simple sunset in the mornings. Or meeting my friends, talking to someone special, or seeing my family. The image of me in love, in university -- laughing is another thing that keeps me going. Traveling abroad is something to look forward to. And if I don't do anything to fix the problems I have now, then how will I achieve those dreams to the fullest? Even the smallest things is something to look forward to. Hell, I look forward to having my own family!!
So please, before you do anything drastic; find someone to confide to!!! Talk to your family. At least just don't give up. Get a therapist. Find love! Find someone special to make things better. Get a good hobby! Draw! Read!! Get a good show to get hooked on. Play at least one of the 2000 instruments in this world. Travel abroad!! Talk to other people from other countries. Make friends with every single person you see :D You can even go on Kik, join groups and meet so many people - hell you might even fall in love. Make friends on there, be careful of fake profiles though
Make a bucket list of EVERYTHING you want to do before you die. I did it when I was younger!! Now don't you dare give up until you complete EVERY. SINGLE.THING on there!!
I know you want to be happy, social, and funny again. But how will you go back to the person you were if they were the person who had the flaws leading to where you are now? What you want to do is have a goal to be a better person -- to be someone who makes you happy!! I know you can do it. I know you can. I just do.
Talk to your mom. If things got worse and you did commit suicide, how would you think she'd feel, left behind - knowing that her own child went ahead of her and walked away first? She'd feel as if she wasn't good enough to keep living for. That's what... You wouldn't want that right?
So please, just try. Try every single solution there is out there... Please. Don't give up on life. THERE IS SOOOO MUCH MORE TO LIFE THAN RIGHT NOW. So much. And trust me, there are way too many good points in life!!! Don't take them for granted okay? Even the bed you sleep on. Hell, when I was 13, I had to sleep on the couch downstairs for 5 years until I was 19. Don't take the people who love you for granted :) Just appreciate them. Thank your mom for everything. Life isn't all about problems, it's about the good things.
And if there aren't any good points in life, make some!! So please please please don't give up. The pain isn't forever. It's not I swear!!
So please, find a way to make things better. Try everything there is. Make yourself busy with things you love. Surround yourself with good people. Make the most of the life you have <3
so live for your mom
live for her
live for him
live for your dreams
live for --
It's going to get better.